Life Is Lifey

Mother’s Day 2020

It’s Mother’s Day and the whole world is postpartum right now. At least, that’s what life feels like to me in this Pandemic. Everyone’s in their pajamas for a chunk of the day, we’re all isolated, cooking, cleaning, care taking, working – rinsing and repeating. Everyone’s having one long day; not knowing which day and what time it is.

Unlike those postpartum weeks though, where we feel so alone, thinking the whole world is just continuing on at warp speed without us, Covid-19 has us all in the exact same time warp. Remember how you never heard the word “fussy” until you had a baby? Then every other word was fussy, fussy, fussy. Now the word is “pivot”; pivot, pivot, pivot.

In mid-March, Indy, Dave & Lena (now 16 months if we’re talking time warp) came up to visit with us in our sweet, little (emphasis on little) cottage in Vermont for a long weekend. Then New York City turned into a war zone and there was no going back to Brooklyn.

I get to kiss Lena good morning and good night. I get to feed her, change her and bathe her. We have our weekday afternoon adventures on the farm while Mommy & Daddy tend to people feeling all the Pandemic/ Postpartum feelings

I get to say, “chuka, chuka, chuka, chuka….allllll aboard the schlafe (“sleep”) express; passing on tradition from my Viennese mother, before she goes up to bed. I get to rock her when she wakes up from her nap, still not quite ready to take on the rest of the day. I get to inhale that intoxicating elixir of warm sleep wafting from her head. Living with Lena brings me back the feelings, all of them, the sensory experiences, the physicality and the cadence of mothering a toddler. As a grandmother and as a mother living alongside Indy as she mothers.

I have no idea how long all of this will last; how many more months I will get to live in this intensely cozy, magnificently messy multigenerational family. All I do know is that I will treasure this time for the rest of my days. And I have a Pandemic to thank for this Mother’s Day gift.

These pictures, left to right are Indy & Hallie with Liberty just after I gave birth, Hallie & Liberty with Lena after Indy gave birth and Hallie and Liberty with Lennon after Hallie gave birth. There is life to be lived, even in a Pandemic…

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone everywhere who has mothered or is mothering anyone……
with so very much love,

Lisa

The Valentine’s Fairy

Valentine’s Day has always been my favorite day of the year. It’s simple. It’s about love.

In the years when I was on my own, Valentine’s Day could be confusing, empty, hopeful, Hallmark-y and weirdly laced with pressure. Once I partnered and had my babies, all that changed.

It began with Indy when she was nine months old; her first Valentine’s Day. I got a lot of pink and red construction paper and cut out hearts of all sizes. It required lots and lots of hearts to create a trail of hearts that led from her crib all the way across the catwalk, down the stairs, through the great room into the kitchen to the base of her highchair. There in the tray were a few more hearts sprinkled around a little gift with a note from the Valentine Fairy.

Every year, there were more hearts to be cut out to refresh the trail leading to a doily with a heart drawn around “Indy & The Valentine Fairy, 4/ever” with the requisite Cupid’s arrow through it.

As time went on, the Valentine Fairy’s trail led from Indy’s bed and Hallie’s crib, then Indy and Hallie’s bed and Liberty’s crib and ultimately three trails merging just outside of their bedrooms into one trail of hearts leading across the catwalk and down those same stairs to their cozy chairs in the family room with a love note and little gift from the Valentine Fairy.

As they each went off to college, travelled the world and lived near and far, the Valentine Fairy followed them. Every now and then, one would ask if the Valentine Fairy would be coming this year given the distance. “The Valentine Fairy”, I said, “will always be able to find her way to you, no matter where in the world you may be.”

I send a text now, at the request of the Valentine Fairy, giving a head’s up that she’s winging her way to Brooklyn, San Diego and San Francisco. Each package she carries contains some of the hearts collected over all those years from her magical trails. Her love is forever…

Would you share with me some of your special rituals on Valentine’s Day?
I would so love to hear them!

Great Gifts For New Parents

2019 brought me two new grandbabies and four “new parents”. They helped me compile a list of great, really practical, digital gift ideas for the parents (which in turn, benefits the babies). There are so many advantages to digital gifts, the obvious being that they can be purchased and sent instantly (such a relief once you’re done perseverating over what to give). What was your favorite gift you received as a new parent? Let me know in the comments!

1. Gift Certificate to a meal service kit delivery (try Blue Apron) or one that specializes in delivering fully prepared meals (like Freshly). This is beyond helpful to take off their plates…I couldn’t resist. Check out this article from Epicurious where they compare a few of their favorite meal-kit brands!

2. Misfits Market delivers fresh, organic produce that farms and stores can’t sell for a fraction of the cost right to their door!

3. Appropriately named Insomnia Cookies, are the perfect sweet treat for those late-night feedings. Their delicious cookies are available to ship nationwide, and in many cities, they deliver fresh-baked warm cookies on-demand as late as 3am! These are VERY VERY good for the soul.

4. Arrange a Dog Walker through Rover – This app allows you to safely match up with local pet-lovers who are available to take Fluffy on a 30-minute walk or even dog sit for a whole weekend!

5. Gift them one hour of Virtual Doula Postpartum Support with me so they have an expert, day and night, to help them with every single thing that comes up! Fill out the form on my site and let me know you’re interested in giving this as a gift. They’ll receive a beautiful gift certificate from you!

6. The days are long but the weeks are short…and the chores never get done. Giving them a gift card for house cleaning, grocery delivery, even assembling baby equipment through a service like TaskRabbit is one of those ‘OMG… HEAVEN!!’ gifts for any family.

7. Massages. They BOTH need one…trust me. Check out a list of spas near them to find the perfect gift of ~zen~.

Happy Gifting!

Beer and Breastfeeding | National Lager Day

December 10th is National Lager Day and because I live in Burlington, VT, one of the coolest (no pun intended given our winters) craft beer cities in the country, I thought this story about beer and breastfeeding was appropriate.

When I was nursing Indy, my firstborn, the prevailing wisdom was that beer was good for milk supply. It has to do with a polysaccharide in the barley used to make beer which seems to stimulate prolactin, the hormone involved in milk production.

I LOVE beer. Having abstained throughout pregnancy, Indy’s grandmother brought me a bottle of Heineken (it was 1985) with a bow on it to the hospital. I loved my beer with dinner, especially given that it was good for making breastmilk!

Then a study came out stating that, “Daily consumption of alcohol (1+ drinks daily) has been associated with a decrease in gross motor development (Little et al 1989).”

S**t! Indy didn’t walk until she was 14 months old. I TOTALLY f***ed her up! At this point, I was pregnant with Hallie and didn’t drink any beer while nursing. NOT A SINGLE BEER.

Hallie didn’t walk until she was 14 months old.

Moral of the story?

You can make yourself crazy (we sure do, don’t we) with all the conflicting studies and position statements out there.

Only you can determine what risk means to you.

I like how Kelly Bonyata, IBCLC of KellyMom.com, a really thorough breastfeeding site, presents the current data around breastfeeding and alcohol.

Cheers!!!

A Thanksgiving Ode | My Second Time as MotherDoula

My second born daughter has given birth to her firstborn daughter.

Once again, I was given the honor of MotherDoula to support my next daughter through birth and usher her into motherhood. (Read more about my first time serving as MotherDoula to Indy here)

That Full Moon in October, the Hunter’s Moon, was no joke.

I called Hallie outside that clear night and suggested that if she wanted her baby to come, it might be helpful to show her belly to that magnificent full moon. She said, “Mom, you’re just weird” and went back inside.

Two days later, Hallie felt a bit “crampy”. In that tricky mixture as Mother (do not hover) and Doula (responsibly assessing where she was at), I checked in just a few times throughout the day. “The same. Crampy”. It’s important to mention here that my Hallie is a competitive athlete. I was pretty sure she would have a fairly high pain threshold but not sure what that would look like.

We all went to bed around 11 pm. At midnight, Hallie appeared in my bedroom doorway:

“Mom?”

“Noopie?” (My term of endearment for all three of my daughters.)

“I’m not sure how much more of this I can do.”

Wait. What? There was nothing but crampy all day. We just went to bed an hour ago. My doula brain was trying to work this out.

I asked Hallie to come in and let us work through a few contractions together so I could get a sense of where her labor was and see if I could help her get more comfortable? “Mom. There is nothing comfortable about this.”

We tried the birth ball. She hated it. I encouraged her to try breathing with sound. “That’s not me.” Maybe getting into the tub will help. “I hate taking a bath.” I encouraged her to try not to brace but rather let go into the contractions. “What do you mean “don’t brace”? How am I bracing?”

I suggested as the doula and gently as a mother that maybe Hallie would consider just trying the tub for a few contractions to see if the warm water might help her find that space between strength and surrender.

We were in that candlelit bathroom for an hour and a half. All was calm and quiet other than the sound of running water. Hallie said she was ready to get out of the tub and feeling like she’d like to go to the hospital. As I helped her dry off, I casually asked if she was feeling any pressure during the contractions, just to rule out for myself that she wasn’t that far advanced in her labor.

She was feeling pressure. “Is that ok?”

All I could think of was if Hallie ended up with an unplanned homebirth on my watch, my daughters would NEVER let me live it down.

Hallie was 8 cm dilated when we arrived at the hospital at 3:45 am. She started to push instinctively not too long afterwards. The charge nurse came in at some point to see just what was going on in Labor Room 11.

Charge Nurse: “She can’t push until the Doctor is here to deliver her!”

Brian: “By the sound of it, that train has already left the station.”

Me: “Well, her body is clearly telling her to push. And you and I both know she’s the one who’s delivering her baby. So, if Dr. C wants to be here to catch, now would be a good time to give him a call.”

This is California. It is 2019 and this shit is still happening.

Lennon Gould Douglass made her way in at 6:42 am on October 16th, in the wake of that full moon, just shy of three hours after we arrived.

Layne Redmond writes..

“All the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries when she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother. This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother. Each of us spent five months in our grandmother’s womb, and she in turn formed within the womb of her grandmother. We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother’s blood before she herself is born.”

This is my legacy, all that I have hoped for in my lifetime; mother to daughter, new mother to new daughter and grandmother to granddaughter.

For this, I am deeply, deeply thankful…

Follow Friday | Postpartum Resources for the “Longest Shortest Time”

The “Longest Shortest Time”…the best description EVER of life with your newborn, borrowed from the brilliant podcast of that name. I like to be really real about the highs and lows of newborn parenthood. It’s important that we talk about postpartum honestly so we don’t feel alone, judged and inadequate. The voices in our own head are tough enough, but let’s support one another; like one big sleepover (without the sleep). Here are some of my favorite places online that I hope will help carry you for even a moment through the longest shortest time. Plus a hug from me. I am just a phone call or text away if you need me.

1: Postpartum Support International: They have a 24-hour confidential helpline with over 300 trained support professionals who will listen, answer questions, offer encouragement and connect you with local resources if needed, available in English & Spanish

“You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.”

Call: 1.800.944.4773. Text:503.894.9453.

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2: Healing Baby Bath | This video of a newborn bath given by Sonja Rochel, a baby nurse at the Thalasso Clinic in France, captures how she helps newborns transition from the womb to the world in the most healing way. After watching this, you’ll want to know what she says about how to do this safely at home with your newborn (or somehow magically appear moments after you’ve given birth).

“I take the time … for such a young baby so soon after birth, the memories of being in their mommy’s belly are still very vivid … and with the bath I want her to re-live those beautiful moments, and cherish them.”

You can read more about Sonia Rochel’s ‘Thalasso Baby Bath’ technique here.

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3: Dr. Angellique Millette | She is a gift to all of us around infant, toddler and child sleep. She is a trained midwife, infant and pregnancy massage therapist, birth and postpartum doula, childbirth educator, lactation educator, parent coach, and child and family, therapist. Oh, and she has her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology.

The biggest plus is that Dr. Millette is one of the kindest people I know. Sign up for her newsletter and check out her archived webinars on all sleep topics for instant help. I also LOVE this Hands To Heart Sleep Swaddle that Dr. Millette created based on her work.

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BONUS: Watch & Listen

‘The Longest Shortest Time.” You won’t feel so alone when you listen. Especially the earliest episodes. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Hillary Frank.

Reflections of Motherhood. This is your “virtual village” of mothers to mothers.

Follow Friday | About Breastfeeding

Last week I shared with you some of my favorite places online for all things birth-related – this week I’m focused on some support-full Breastfeeding Resources for all of you new and expecting parents. Breastfeeding is a duet that requires practice by you and your baby. Preferably without any “shoulds” and with all the nonjudgmental support you deserve.

1: Waiting to Inhale; How to Unhurry the Moment of Birth by Mary Esther Malloy is a beautiful commentary on keeping birth for the parents.

Riley is born into her father’s and midwife’s hands.

“But just as we are now appreciating what occurs when we respect a baby’s ability to find its mother at birth, what I am seeing with Laura and other mothers is heightening my respect for and understanding of our own abilities as women to find our babies at birth. When we do not rush through the moment of birth, but honor the pause that marks the center of this sequence, what happens, in my experience, seems to be nothing less than a paradigm shift of equal significance.

For we are not only finding our babies, we are also finding ourselves as mothers, and finding our way into a new state of being.

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2: KellyMom.com | All too often, breastfeeding sites are more dogmatic than I feel comfortable with. I’m drawn to the lactation consultants who subscribe to the “let’s just feed the baby” non-dogmatic support camp. Kellymom is a great site for up to date, evidence-based information around all things breast and bottle feeding that just does that.

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3: Mamava | So proud of Mamava, a Vermont based company started by two women. Download their app on your phone to locate one of these wondrous pods to breastfeed in a clean and private space. Imagine that…

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BONUS: What To Watch | Here are a series of videos on Baby-Led Latching that offer an alternate perspective to the current “put the baby to breast immediately after birth”. In these videos, you’ll see these most remarkable instincts and skills with which babies are born to find their way to your breast on their own, known as the “newborn crawl”.

Baby-led latching video by Milk Meg

Baby Led Latching video by Breastfeeding for Parents

Scarymommy Newborn Crawl to Breastfeed video from the World Health Media Project

This video helps you see and hear how it sounds when your baby is swallowing so you can hear the “clicks”.

Follow Friday | About Birth

While there is no shortage of online resources for new parents, not all advice is created equal. That’s why I thought it’d be helpful to share with you two of my favorite and most trusted resources on all things birth related. Do you have a go-to resource, not on this list? Let me know in the comments!

1: Rebecca Dekker | I consider Evidence-Based Birth one of the MOST IMPORTANT resources for expectant parents. Rebecca Dekker, a nurse researcher with her Ph.D., did a TON of research as a result of her first birth experience (which was not good).

Evidence-Based Birth provides us all with the most current, high-quality research evidence around birth practices When you want to know what the evidence REALLY is around any subject/issue in childbirth, go straight here. Print the research evidence one-pagers to bring to your OB/Midwife to start the conversation when they tell you something is “routine” or “best” practice.

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2: Birth Monopoly | BirthMonopoly.com was started by Cristen Pascucci, former public affairs person turned into birth rights advocate, after her not good birth experience (see the pattern here?). No pressure, but It would be really good for you to have a sense of your rights and options in birth BEFORE you go into the hospital.

Here are a couple of examples (quoting Cristen here) of where care providers (maybe unaware of the legality) are violating your informed consent (which is often confused with the consent form). They present things as routine procedures and not optional:

“Okay sweetie, I’m going to give you your IV now.”

Ok. First of all, “okay sweetie” is patronizing and infantilizing. You are an adult. Next, do you want an IV? Were you told about the pros and cons of an IV as well as the alternatives? Have you consented or politely declined an IV as a result of this conversation?

“Now, if you haven’t progressed in another hour, we’ll get you started on something to help you along.”

Wait. Why do I need to progress in an hour? And what is the “something” you’d like to start me on? What are the pros and cons of holding off? What are alternatives we can try to move my labor along if we’d like to do that?

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BONUS: This Brazilian OB dances with his mothers in labor to bring the baby down! Anyone danced with their OB in labor???

Go Bag Go-Tos | Customizing Your “What to Pack for Labor” List

Surprise! My second daughter is pregnant with her first baby – so we’re going through her labor-pack-list! Keep watching to learn why lip balm is a go-bag essential in my book.

Here’s the complete list:

Your own pillows:

They smell like you and home. That’s what makes them great for under your head and to wrap yourself around when you’re lying on your side. You can use the (very thin) hospital pillows between your legs or behind your back for support. Just put colored or printed cases on your pillows so they don’t get lost in the hospital laundry.

Something Cozy:

A blanket throw or shawl that you love –to spread over the (very thin) hospital-issue blankets.

Clothes To Pack:

An oversized t-shirt/yoga pants/pajama shorts/robe to labor in if you don’t want to wear the hospital gown
Your favorite comfy socks.
Slippers or shoes that are easy to slip in and out of if you want to walk around the maternity floor.
A bathing suit/sports bra/bathing suit bottom if you’re modest and want to labor in the shower or tub if there is one.
Flip-flops if you have a thing about being barefoot on hospital bathroom floors
Hairbands, barrettes –whatever you use to keep your hair out of your way.

Toiletries:

Lip balm, lip balm, LIP BALM! Trust me, you’ll be so chapped after all that breathing during labor!
Massage Oil

Tech:

Your phone, iPod, tablet, or computer (wherever your music is) if music is important to you. Remember a dock, speakers and extra long chargers.

Setting a soothing scene:

Scented Oil (along with a diffuser would be great) – lavender (relaxing) or whatever scent you like. A couple of drops on washcloths in different locations take away that hospital smell.
Peppermint Oil – smelling it will help you pee if you have trouble doing so after delivery.
LED candles if you love candlelight.
A string of “fairy lights” (aka Xmas lights) helps to enhance the magic happening in your room.

Last but not least, A Big Bag of Food!!!

Optimally, you will eat throughout your labor to fuel your body in work and your partner also needs to eat to keep up with the hours of supporting you. Bring sandwiches (pb & j is a staple) and plenty of snacks. Offer food right after the baby is born as it really helps women find their way back into their bodies after all the hours of intense work. Pack at least two sandwiches or servings of whatever it is you eat easily for just after birth. Make extra of the smoothie you were sipping from in labor at home and bring it in a thermos to the hospital/birth center.

From “Natural Childbirth” Devotee to Doula | What I Learned As A Young Mother

I once was a “natural childbirth” devotee. I was teaching Lamaze classes before I’d even had my own children. I fit the perfect prototype; grew up in the 60’s (minus the drugs), vegetarian since sixteen, attended Hampshire College at the beginning, wore only sweaters that I knit myself and raised my black lab, River, before I became pregnant with my first.

I approached my labor as serious training. I had danced professionally for a living so I took ballet class every day, swam a mile and ran through my fifth month of pregnancy.

I labored for thirty-six hours, the last ten of which were driven by Pitocin. I made it through every contraction, fighting my way through the pain. This was familiar. Give me any physical challenge and I could and would make my way through it. But I was adamant with everyone in the room that there would be no drugs.

I never made it past three centimeters after all that work and ended up with a C Section for “failure to progress”. I’ll never know if I had tried an epidural as a last-ditch effort to avoid a C Section if I would have slept and dilated. If only someone had helped me connect the dots that I would ultimately have an epidural for a C Section so why not give it a try beforehand?

Dogma. I learned so much about my own dogma from my first birth. My dogma around no drugs left me without being open to utilizing a tool that might have prevented my C Section.

From then on, when helping people prepare for their births, we talk a lot about staying flexible in order to make decisions that are aligned with your goals, especially when things aren’t going the way you imagined.

I refer to what I call the “leaving no stone unturned” question. Ask yourself – when you are in labor, what does leaving no stone unturned mean to you around what you are willing to try in order have the birth that’s right for you? It also means trusting yourself to know when you feel you’ve tried enough for you.

Another way to look at it is this: if you were able to have hindsight in advance of your birth and ask yourself “what would have happened if…?”, and then try to take care of your “if’s” in advance. It helps to alleviate second-guessing yourself at the other end.

What would one of your “ifs” be?